TO BE Different

2008-02-29T23:24:00.004+08:00

Ten fifty-seven

I saw my old fame today
He said I was still as cute as last time
I giggled
He still looked like the angel sent down from heaven

It so happened that he was the guy
In my previous entry
It was all in the past now

I am focused on you now
I love you deeply
You know that, Xiaohei

2007-08-19T12:37:00.001+08:00

16th August 2007

When I first saw him
I thought he was an angel
Sent down from heaven for me
My heart turned soft
Blackpain never felt a feeling like this before

18th August 2007

Seizing the moment
And enjoy what was given me
Our eyes met again

19th August 2007

The intense stare grew deep
Penetrating Blackpain's heart
Blackpain knew that he was in love

2007-08-18T12:29:00.000+08:00

Pui Ye politely asked me to go to church today
I agreed

The last time I went was last year

Blackpain
Back on track
To pursue his spiritual faith

2007-08-16T18:51:00.000+08:00

The Teenage Ladies In My Life

Hey if I did not mention you
Don't panic
Its probably you are a guy or
I still consider you a girl or
You are just not important enough to top my list

Let me start from after my primary school years
Its mostly when I start to appreciate people more

Secondary 1
Well I was only Sec1 then
I have a crazy senior
Who thinks I am super cute
And screams over me all the time
Her name? Eileen
Where is she now? I have no idea

Secondary 3
This is probably the most significant lady in my life
Why?
I would say without her
My secondary school days will be
Like walking on an endless road alone
Her name? My secret
Where is she now? Bukit Panjang

When it comes to the holidays
My working experience began
And it was her guidance
And extreme toughness as well
That brush me for the future ahead
She may be 30plus(can't reveal her age)
But her heart is of a teenage lady
With innocence and playfulness
Her name? Claudia
Where is she now? Running the restaurant

My first three months
Millenium Institute
A band performer
With poise and elegance
With complex mindset
Calling me random and DC(which stands for discovery channel)
She is none other then
Tara

The aftermath
In Ngee Ann poly
I am still waiting for this one
Although there is one funny lady
Who kind of capture into my space
Heheheheheyheyhey
You know who you are

2007-08-13T16:07:00.000+08:00

When I was 11 months old
The first word I call was "BIRD!"
When I was 3 years old
I loved animal
I owned at least
Fifty animal figurines (which I always create my miniature zoo)
Thirty animal soft toys (Which I squeeze and squeeze)
When I was 5 years old
I have
Twenty animals' video tapes (Don't call me a pervert although I used to watch how animals give birth)
Seventeen animals' computer encyclopedia
Twenty-eight Books on animals
When I was 6 years old
My favourite game is a computer game
Where you can choose from a few forest animals
And get to the other end of the forest
If you choose a forest hare, your enemies will be foxes, wolves, bears and snakes
Your food shall be plants
I pity the rabbit so I chose it
But I died everytime
If you choose a bear, your enemy is human
Your food will be almost everything from plants to animals
Fun game, really for the year of 1996
My favourite animal
The giraffe
I was really obsessed with this animal then
Well my first art of a tiny zoo which only consists of four type of animals
Including my famous artistic giraffe
Was displayed in a calendar to be sold
It was for charity, I don't earn a thing!
When I was 8 years old
I drew a duck
So CUTE!!
Michelle said that, I remembered
Who's Michelle? That I can't remember
When I was 10 years old
My animals evolved
They became Pokemon

My childhood obsession with animals ended

2007-08-09T22:25:00.000+08:00

Movies I did not watch recently and would give them a miss:
1) Harry Potter and the order of phoenix (Did I get the title correct?)
2) Transformers
3) The Simpsons Movie
Am I deprived or what?

However
One movie did catch my heart
I watched it just now
By local director
Royston Tan
881
Don't tell me you don't know what show is that!!

I had never been exposed to the life of opera singers
And I thought all operas suck big time
Its Hokkien Opera I am talking about
Amazingly
The film change my perspective
Inspired to dance on an opera stage someday
For the hungry ghost festival
And its seen and unseen visitors
Part-time

Questions about the show:
Whether the show has a lasting impact?
Duhhh I still could hear those four hokkien words "ji lang ji bua" in my head
Is the show worth watching?
If you understand hokkien, you will love the show
Why is the show called 881?
Cause papaya shake shake
What is your overall experience?
Follow your dreams cause life is worth its every effort

Its ultimately a heartwarming show for the entire family
With numerous hokkien humour to brighten my day

2007-08-08T08:10:00.000+08:00

7th August 2007

Ngee Ann's national day celebrations
My role?
A bush

5.26pm
Performance line-up number 7:
Staff item performance (Yeah clap hands! Im gonna perform)
Ready ONE.. TWO... THREE!!!!
CHIONG AHH!!! with small little footsteps
The two bushes dashed out from the back stage
The blinding spotlight shining on them
The first bush halted to a stop a little further from the middle
And the second bush well..erm
Knocked into him
The BLUR LIKE SOTONG second bush
Then run back to his actual placing position
And THUMPED!!
Landed!!
Thats when the staff came in and the performance BEGINS!!

I realised my role only the day before
Okay a bush!?
Thats all!?
Thats what I am supposed to do?
Oh ya I am the second bush
Hey it was all part of the play
Well at least I enjoyed myself
Looking stupid
Yah and I managed to make the audiences laugh

The Aftermath 6.05pm
Its down to hard work
The cleaning up!
Well only a few of us stayed back (I think its only 7) to do the cleaning up
The Tasks:
Clear Rubbish
Pick up Leftover bottles
Return unused Goodie bags to storeroom
Destroy the balloons
Remove the products of the 'pops'
Well someone got to do the 'dirty' work

Proud to be the unsung hero behind the bush
Wilson

2007-08-04T21:54:00.000+08:00

Five aunties in their thirties
With her beautiful pony-tail long hair
Karen spoke the least among them
Her left is little miss chatterbox Ling
Who with her specs looks like a 70's typical school girl
Karen's right is none other then Lay Hoon
She's forever wearing a T-shirt and three quarter pants
Claudia my favourite manager, the mother of Rocky's
Always so sweet to everyone
I so touched by you always.. Sob Sob
And the operator for today's calls is...
CELINE!!!!! clap hands
Who repeats "Sorry we are closed" at least 70 times
One uncle in his fifties
Uncle Aw who uses hands as words
(If you know him, you will understand what I say)
Offered his help so many times today
Two young men in their twenties
Joey Tay and Benny
With their muscles help move many of the heavy loads
Joey is attached with his lovely girlfriend
Any girl want to date Benny??
Three young ladies in their twenties
Joey Tan (look carefully, surname different) who dresses as a guy always
Its just her character, she does not like being called girl
Elaine with her helpful spirit
Became like the Zhi Cha Stall's assistant for today HaHa
PeiXiang the cute pretty lady
Shes GETTING MARRIED
Congragulations!!
One girl in her teens
Anne with her lingo
"NI DUI WO ZHE YANG LAH"
She is our juniorest staff
One boy in his teens
Observing and appreciating
What he was blessed with
They sat together round the table
By the road beside the Zhi Cha Stall
Ordered a feast
Of seafood, meat and specialties

I could tell you the story
Cause I was the boy
They were us
The crew of Rocky's
Not everyone was present today though
The rest has their commitments
But before and after the meal
We were checking out our new outlet
The usual anxiety and excitement
Sparks among us as we saw the mess and beauty
While curious faces joined to peak
At whats all these drillings is about

It was my first job experience where we actually moved
As a family
Its an enjoyable and cosy feeling for me

Dedicated for the great crew of Rocky's Pizza

2007-08-03T18:55:00.000+08:00

The Stay Part 2

He had a dream that night
His dream...
I found myself on the hospital floor
I wonder why my mattress was on the floor
With several other patients lying beside me
They were all sleeping so soundly
Only I had the urged to use the toilet
So I stood up effortlessly and headed for the door
It was only then he heard a knock
Which were accompanied by several knocks
And the sound was coming from the toilet
I was hesitant to open the door
Then
I heard a low manly voice
The only word 'HELP' was cried
It rang through my head
And his cries were creepy
I dare not enter

The door swung open by itself
Before me was a room with blue light
Only blue seem to exist in my world then
For everything I saw was blue
The blue sofa
The blue faces
The blue smiles
The blue light
I wanted to stay there forever
The blue was so calming
Nonetheless
I was guided to an exit

I had this dream a few days after I left the hospital
It felt kind of warm and therapeutic
I wonder if I was brainwashed

2007-08-02T21:59:00.000+08:00

1st August 2007

The new month springs up with an old friend
The conversation reminisces the old times
The disputes recall with much humour
The thick and thin we gone through
Were soaked with fun and joy
For Shi Jie who suddenly POP back into my life

2007-07-31T04:56:00.000+08:00

October 2006
It was only after I left my garden
My real manhood begins
Used to be that small tiny innocent child
Decided to venture on something different
The broad unreliable but opportunity-bound Internet
He started first from a little advertisement about himself
The real IN-Thing Then
MY SPACE
And the wonders of it led him on a complete new journey

22 October 2006
A guy real far away from his home message me
How far you think is far?
From Jurong East to Pasir Ris?
Well he lives in Italy
Who soon became my humble pal
I was pretty discreet then about my feelings
Along this journey
I opened up new roads which led me on an entire different path
Some may not accept
Some may feel it does not concern them
What I really got to know is what I really want out of life
And this is my choice

2007-07-30T07:58:00.000+08:00

The Stay
1st July 2006 to 7th July 2006

Day 1
There were several budding spots
I was given room 7 to bloom
I have neighbours
Each of them were from different seeds
Room 1 contained lady magnolia
She looked gloomy and pretty wilted
Room 2 was little miss jasmine
She has problems with nourishment so was slightly underdeveloped
Room 3 was manly hibiscus
Confused without proper guidance, he was in desperation
Room 4 was miss sakura
She appeared the kindest of all
Room 5 remained empty
Room 6 was undiscovered weeping willow
She stayed forever in her own room
Room 7 was the red poppy

In a garden like this,
There bound to be busy bumble bees and beautiful butterflies
They were the groomers
To ensure we, buds will grow into flowers

Day 2
I was quite bored and uncertain

And Sakura left that day
I can see her radiant petals
Smiling white and pink
Someone picked her up for she was ready
I wondered when will I be ready?

Day 3
The bees and butterflies plan their daily routine and activities
Encouraging us to participate actively
Some did but attendance was always low
The flowers at least had some impression of each other

One wild carnation was admitted
The carnation screamed of wilting to death the entire night

Day 4
The carnation was plucked away in the morning
But I saw no beauty in her petals nor her leaves when she left

It was only the forth day when we start getting to understand "Why are we here?"
For more of us got together and share

That afternoon a camelia joined our flower gang
She came with confidence
I wondered what really is wrong with her

Day 5
Each flower had their own story to tell
Telling the heavy rains they had been through
The overwhelming heat they had to endure
But now the environment for everyone of us was the same
Its calm and serene for us to reach our fullest bloom

Orange lily was planted in Room 4 that night
He moaned to return to his original plight
The lily was removed immediately for the butterflies attempts were futile

Day 6
An artistic ladybug taught us grattifi
She has the japanese "omasan" haircut with the gentle spirit
Most did not fail to attend
For many enjoyed her sweet guidance

Day 7
The Red Poppy left that day
By then, my relationship with others were close
I gave a cute tatoo to both the camelia and jasmine
For they were around my age
Young and Wild
For hisbicus we had a nice warm hug
The beautiflies were my most grateful companions

For Ward 14
This is dedicated for the patients and nurses during my hospital stay

2007-07-28T23:46:00.000+08:00

7.05am
My mum walks towards me and say

....Mum....
Work so much for what
Don't let them bully you
Later your results deprove
How to get scholar

....Wilson....
Don't worry Mum
I can take care of myself
They are very nice people
See this bag
Auntie Jessie give me one with sweets

....Mum....
Whether your work short of staff
Is none of your business
Why you so obliged to help them
Tonight you cannot work
I already bought tickets to your sister concert
You are the camera man
Your pay so little
You can easily get a better job

4.10pm
*beep beep*
My phone was vibrating
I looked into the screen
67698320
I ignored it

4.38pm
*beep beep*
67698320

....Auntie Ah Moi....
Hello
Wilson Ah
Can you work tonight?

....Wilson....
Erm

....Auntie Ah Moi....
My daughter calling me already
She says she can bring me out to dinner only tonight

....Wilson....
Erm

....Auntie Ah Moi....
Can you help?
Its not everytime I get to have dinner with my daughter
You know my busy working hours

....Wilson....
Erm
Sorry I cant today

....Auntie Ah Moi....
You still at school?
7pm come also can
Please

....Wilson....with guilt
Sorry I really cant

....Auntie Ah Moi....
Then I die liao
Hahahaha

Auntie Ah Moi
My sister concert also is a one in a lifetime thing
I dont get the chance to see her perform on stage everytime
Shes my only sister
I also hardly have time for my family
With work and school
I worked Monday Tuesday Thursday Friday this week le Sunday still got to work
Sowie

8.09pm
My sister concert

Cats

2007-07-26T15:27:00.000+08:00

I am not a cat fan but a few articles on the web caught me attention.
Thought I share it here.

This Kitten and mouse are best friends.
They have been playing together like tom and jerry.

Oscar, a hospice cat is a psychic.
It predicts when patients are going to die,
By curling up next to them during their final hours.

2007-07-24T23:13:00.000+08:00

The boy was on his way home
Why am I doing this?
Who's sake is it for?
Do I have to sacrifice so much for them?
But he knows one thing
He loves his work
He loves his colleagues

Auntie Ah Moi says:
Hey tomorrow take a break
Dun come work
You have been working for the past few days
Must rest and take good care of yourself
She offered me her bai ku rice
A whole bowl
She only had a small cup

Joey Tay says:
Thanks brother
Haha you last time help me by taking my place when i really need the break
Deep down in the boy heart,
Actually you helped me so much more
You send me home and give me taxi fare after a long day of work
You taught how to bake pizzas
You spend 10 dollars on helping me with my school Community Involvement Project
You take the rap for me when a customer left without paying full bill
You take so good care of me
I fell in love with you in the process

Karen says:
How come you can work so many days?
You having your holiday?
The boy shaked his head.
Thats really kind of you to work so many days.

Claudia says:
Can you work more days next week?
The boy thought deeply
Then he nodded
She began smiling
In the boy's heart,
You are the best manager
Every dinner at rocky's you cook for me
When i make mistakes you say nevermind
You helped me alot on my work despite my blurness
You cared for me like a mother
Thanks Claudia!!

Lay Hoon says:
Why you so slow?
Faster I want to go home
The boy feels
Haha you are one interesting character
You do criticise alot
But i know you care alot also
Hahaha

Ling says:
After work when she returned to her car
Eh i never lock my car meh!!?? #*#!#%#!
The boy thoughts
Hahaha you also another interesting lady
You can be critical but blur also.
Hahaha

Benny says:
Xiao di di
muacks
You are like my big brother
We flirt alot with each other
Just to create drama
You will definitely get your girl of your dreams!
Jiayoux Benny!

Jessie says:
You so good boy
Next time i bring sweets for you
The boy replied
You think i small child
Still need eat sweet
Jessie
Hahaha
Hahaha
Hahaha

For you guys
Thanks

2007-06-26T22:37:00.001+08:00

I shall fill up some of the missing holes in this blog

2007-06-26T21:26:00.000+08:00

26th June 2007

Hey guys
Its been a year since i last updated my blog.
My past has been rough but im looking forward to a new future.
What happened between the year that i didnt update,
Only my close friends will know
Right now.
Blackpain is back.
I dont really want to add more painful posts.
But I believe a blog is where we should express our true feelings

Signing Off for now
Wilson

2006-06-16T00:00:00.000+08:00

Hui Kiow
You noe
When you tried to help others
And try to understand others
I think its a selfless act
Just trying
Is enough to make the person contented
At least that person know that someone actually cared for him
Im changing too fast
That i did not realise until u said
Thinking about it
You are right
I dun even understand myself
U noe
wherever i go nowadays
i will visit the lib
hope to seek
not about history actually
not about animals
not about who is the greatest person
who invented this
who discovered that
but to seek a self
an identity
to find a me
when i find books on the famous people
i just want to noe how they could think this way
end up this way
and stay this way
how they can change too
y leonardo da vinci could be so respected
even without much education
y he kept that beard and hair
definitely not fasion
the hard life queen elizabeth 1 led
her adversion to men
y she could lead a country like a man
y the author of alice in the wonderland was so afraid of adult woman
y florence nightingale is so determined
she chose not to marry a rich man
n stayed a virgin
and become the best nurse in history
y hitler was so determined to eliminate a race
and he can dun feel a little bit of cruelty in himself
y stalin could not work with others
y must he work alone
i always felt working alone is so difficult n impossible
y could he succeed
i seek for
what's the purpose of life in the first place
jus live through college
and go through university n then get a job
earn money get all the things i want
happiness lies in a stable job?
will i be happy then
Some people may be contented
but i maybe am a little ambitious
wanted something different
maybe i chose this way
i noe u tried really hard to help me
i can feel that
maybe i hav set something inside me
like certain stuff i chose to change
certain stuff i cannot n dun wan
maybe its selfish
but in the end its still my own life
i wan to understand
how people could be contented with simple stuff
how people can get so rich and famous
hard work?
luck?
fate?
potential?
sun yanzi studied til university
n end up a singer
y waste time in the first place studying
maybe she's the minority
y i cant be the minority?
is it selfish again?
i jus wan to carve out my own life
if i cannot figure out my own life
how can i help others
thats what the teachers always say
if u cannot help yourself, how to help others
i dun noe where this will lead
where it take me
failure?
then im prepared to accept the consequences
the tough life?
maybe only then i will regret
thats what people are good at
not appreciating what they hav
n end up regreting
hoping
praying
their children wun be the same
there must be a reason for everything
crazy people are crazy for a reason
they can kill someone in their crazy state for a reason
y he chose to kill this guy instead of the other
you can say he so happen to pass by n get killed by crazy man
maybe if you understand
u can talked him round
you can escape
think its impossible?
think its just dumb?
the man never even try
how you know it wun work
all these stuff is killing me inside
i just feel so confused n tired

2006-06-15T22:28:00.000+08:00

I realise i cannot end my blog just yet
Til i reply hui kiow's post

2006-06-15T00:00:00.000+08:00

I stopped the sad blogs for a month
I wrote nothing much but crap that people dun understand
I always thought that in this world
There would be someone who would truly understand how you feel
The way you react
The way you do things sometimes
Why you chose to do this instead of that
I said i would study
I would put in the effort
But it is not a promise
I did not do it this holiday
I did nothing
Probably people cannot truly understand any other people
I dun noe which direction i would be heading like this
You can say its wrong
Cause you have no education
You have no future
You can say its a path of adventure
An aimless direction but eventful
I read my plam the other day
My fate line is faded
Its faint and weak
It meant im living an unstable, unsettled life
I believed it
But i also believe its up to me to change it
the problem is whether i want to
Im stuck now with just a sore in my head
Its seems so late
I did not start revision
You can tell me to start now
But something inside me always seem to reject it
Something?
fear of failing?
did it turn to laziness and becom a habit?
it seemed so hard to even touch a paper
I dun noe myself
i dun believe anyone can find out for me
i only believe that its still goin to stay for a while
im introverted by nature
u noe i dun tok that much
i read the newspaper
2 minutes of talking to an introverted person
actually meant a lot to that person
an extrovert probably think its impossible
2 minutes of sharing
2 minutes of complaining
2 minutes of gossipping
whatever
does it matter
im more interested in understanding the person
understanding the things he liked
understanding the things she want
understanding y he can talk so much
but i also find out not everyone wants u to noe everything about that person
that person needs his privacy
i respect that
i seldom say the things i want
i seldom say the things i liked
I can say i like fantasy
but i cannot say anything more unless i feel close enough to tell u
hui kiow
im sorry
our relationship seemed rather turbulent
i dun noe y
probably of the stuff we liked
i nv agreed on the songs u liked
u nv agreed with mine
but i agree with the song on ur blog
i feel like puttin it on my blog too
i wonder if im too overwhelming as a fren to u
like im competing with u
i tink u feel that way
im sorry
on the exterior maybe i am tat way
i want to be knowledgable
i want to know more about the world outside sch bks
deep behind the doors
i did not mean to upset u
like im always competing wif u
i treat u as my good fren
im really sry
my family has nv ending maid problem
im tired of listening to the arguments
my family has a problem with money
its a crisis that was really bad
maybe like the solis family in desperate housewives
my family social problems also like e van de cams family from e desperate housewives
i noe my mum need her face
sometimes it seemed that it matters so much that she would use me as her shield
like she wan to bargain wif the person for a cheaper price
then she would say i say its too ex, it shud be cheaper
but she would also treat her responsibility as a parent very highly
she is very cautious of me growing to be what kind of adult i am
i noe alot of factors is pinnin on her
money
grandma complaints
my studies
my sis studies
her studies
her work
look at it
how can one not feel so stress
im sry
but i cnt do much thing to change except to study
but u noe something is holdin it back
i have nv tell anyone everything about me
but jus hope someone would understand
sounds childish
who cares
money makes the world goes round
sounds materialistic
but nevertheless true
with money
u can really have everything u want
an xbox360
a whole new electric guitar
a drumset
a gigantic pool table
an ipod
5 computers
12 hours at an arcade
the most glorious food
a plasma tv
people
people say teenage is the time of rebellion n self discovery
a time where many people spent their time alone
thinking
piecing life together
with questions
ambitions
goals
reasons
answers
teens rebelled against their parents to get what they rightfully want
som thought of what they should do when they grow up
where should they head
all these answers are inside u
u just have to bring them out
feel what u liked to do
what truly thrills u the most
what truly makes u happy
no one can say anything
ur parents can manipulate u into following what they hoped u want to be
ur frens can influence u n change ur opinion on alot stuff
but ultimately its up to u to find out for urself
this is how i feel
lots more
that my introverted heart contains
som i will nv say
som im dyin to say but dun noe how to say
som i wonder if i shud say
i just hope som1 would com up to me and i could tell everything i wan
i dun tak initiative u noe
maybe i dun even hav 2 talk at all
if som1 could sit beside me a wol day
just stare at the sky with me
i would feel really happy
really blessed

forget me

2006-06-14T22:25:00.000+08:00

Sometimes you just try to forget
Forget everything that happens
But it could not seem to happen

Im deleting my blog midnight 16th
At 12am, so i guess i will try 2 say everything i want to say
It would be a long long entry
Doubt many people would read it
But this last entry will just probably what i felt all along

2006-06-10T12:51:00.000+08:00

Im deleting my blog on 16/06/06

Road to Santigo

2006-06-03T09:35:00.000+08:00

Barking is a language
A healthy throated sound, deep in bass register is a statement of territory
But skinny dogs drove to starvation
Will realise a mean scraping sound
Dogs also won't attack unless there's enough of them
I had learnt to understand the dog's bark

In the vast fields of wheats
I opened my pocket knife
And sharpened my spear
Preparing for the menace of the three dogs
As i ventured forward
The dogs sent in introductory barks
I percived them as territorial claims
Suddenly, all three tore the air with snapping jaws
Sprinting towards me
These spanish dogs are plagued by mange
The largest one has a dead ear
The small leader is crippled in his left forefoot
The other backside is rubbed away, absolutely hairless
Seriously ugly dogs
I walked delibrately but slowly
They circled me
I read the leader's frightening bark
A strange fear overwhelmed me
A fear of not afraid the dogs are about to kill me
But a fear of me killing the dogs
It will be murder
My breathing became more rapid
I clenched my fist tightly onto the knife
Locked in eye contact with the dogs
On the plains of Castile
I barked
Unknowingly
A human bark
Human made noises too when they are faced with this kind of crisis
Then
A force jerked me
And sent me flying towards the enemies
The force propelling me won't make me flinch
The effect translates a threat:
I will slice open your bellies
Struck into your guts and
Smear your blood onto this fields
Without anymore lingustic exchange
My signal sent them in a full ignoble retreat
Hiding in the wheats
My hands still shaking
But relieved
However the forces of god did not want me to continue this pilgrimage
The sudden change of climate
The few blasts of thunders and ligtnings are bound to stop me
I cannot scare lightnings away like dogs
The dogs have failed
Now the deus ex machina of Zeus
Is out to destroy me

Inspired by Jack Hitt, off the road:a modern day walk down the pilgrim's rote into spain
Edited by me

2006-06-02T00:32:00.000+08:00

Tell you what happen to my edulearn account
The part where the virtual directory to put music
Its so dumb lah
I deleted the song liao
Then still remain there
Now cannot put anything
And the song does not exist
Fuck the edulearn

The ripway account got bandwidth
Then everytime at certain time
Lock my account
I only put one song ok
Small file
Never exceed the criteria
Now using ripway and no song
Is there a point in the first place
Fuck the ripway

No other upload site other then bolt.com is better left
But bolt cannot autoplay
Add the html myself also cannot
Wonder if anyone click the play button
Fuck the bolt

Words

2006-06-01T23:23:00.000+08:00

Words
Are they really the way to connect?
Acquitances
Friends
Parents
Aunties
They all love to talk
Don't they?
Why im like the only one who don't talk so much
You know i tried
Tried to speak
Think to speak
Learn to speak
My grandparents say i tiam tiam
My relatives agreed
But nature made me such a way
That i could talk better through a blog
An aimless air..

I admire people who talks alot
Wonder why they could just not stop
And just say whatever they want
Nature made them special
I just couldn't help keeping quiet
I hope one day i could just keep talking and talking and talking
Unless you can tell me i like you being quiet
For me
Words could be misunderstood
They could be misinterpret
But how could you not understand a hug
A handshake meant you are kind
A pat meant you are nice
A hug meant the world
Words nah

misunderstanding

2006-05-26T20:44:00.000+08:00

bent my head to avoid
bumping into a tree branch
but the tree
mistook my intention
and bowed back

Tan Ee Sing Lynette

Shane Last Stare

2006-05-26T20:43:00.000+08:00

I stood in the choas of shouts
My heart swayed with the runners
My mind drowned by the gunners
My legs caged in fear of rout

To leave this world
In the midst of waves
I dreamt of only my soft couch

A crack a surge
In two miles with two seconds
Trembling the wood with no ouch

Enticing my plight
From the dawn of light
I took myself to flight

My legs freed from fear of rout
My mind perked by the crumbles
My heart jerked with the stumbles
I ran with the orders of shouts

I thought there is no hope

wilson peck

where'd you go

2006-05-26T20:20:00.000+08:00

For the fathers who worked til they forgot their children
For the mothers who worked like the fathers
For the children who had ran away from home
For the orpans who craved for the parent
For the husbands who failed to feel their wives to know
For the wives who failed to show their husbands to feel
For the lovers who failed to understand

This song is for you

2006-05-24T22:08:00.000+08:00

The Present
12th april 2003
We saw him leave in the distance
With his hands clutched by the blue uniforms
Our most trusted friend left us
With the most horrifying act
We never thought he would ever do such a thing
First it was Darren
Now it was Sam
The kind Sam
The smiling Sam
Why would he ever..?
Maybe we never knew anything about him at all

The Past
19th december 2002
The married man held the smooth hands of the teen
She never resisted
For she was clearly in love with him
It was an affair
But it was a reciprocal affair
The two people were trapped by each other's love
Resulting in this unsolvable crime

3rd January 2003
He walked to the back alley
Waiting for the dealer
150 bucks for the small tiny packet
Sam wouldn't say no

8th february 2003
Darren committed suicide
What the fuck?
He didn't even leave us a word when he left us for real
He was just playing pool with us yesterday night
Now he was left in his pool of blood
I was scared
Our seven years of friendship
Ended with his foolish plunge to death
And i failed to realise the reason why

9th february 2003
The five of us sat together
Sam laid his back against mine
Linda rested her head on Ariel's lap
And Darren corpse in his death bed in front of us
Ariel broke the silence with a sob
Linda rubbed her tears several times
And i could feel the warm blood flushing my eyes
Sam just stood blankly at the body
We couldn't figure out his death

15th february 2003
I received a letter
It simply stated my address and nothing more
I unfolded the paper within it
And i digested the words with deep understanding
Reading his words
I understand the reason he commited suicide
He was a homosexual

23rd february 2003
Linda had the sudden craving for ice-cream
I had to buy her a whole tub everyday
To satisfy her needs
Then she ran to the toilet to throw up
We thought she became crazy
We never understand these signs
Not until we saw her growing tummy
None of us had the courage to ask her
She probably wouldn't say anything anyway

3rd march 2003
Darren held the pills in his hands
Swallowing the tiny tablet
His teeth began to clench involunteeringly
His vision began to blur
As his eyes started moving rapidly
His body soaked of cold sweats
He collapsed to his bed

26th march 2003
Linda patted her stomach lightly
Hearing the thumps of his heartbeat
The sixteen year old girl smiled quietly
Bearing the weight of her child
It was only after we saw the increased in size
We asked her
She never breathed a word about his father
So we never mentioned it again

The present
12th April 2003
We saw him leave in the distance
With his hands clutched by the blue uniforms
Our most trusted friend left us
With the most horrifying act
We never thought he would ever do such a thing
First it was Darren
Next it was Linda
Now it was Sam
The kind Sam
The smiling Sam
Why would he ever..?
Maybe we never knew anything about him at all
It was only then i realised
Friendship and love has its limitations completely unsurplus by ego and pride
There are many secrets within us
Some we will never say
We were worried we will lose our best friends this way
We kept these worries to ourselves
And finally became helpless
Each of us crumbling away
When we could simply let others in

the end of sadness

2006-05-16T17:10:00.000+08:00

Today i announced the end of my sad blogs
You will not see anymore sad blogs from me

2006-05-16T15:46:00.000+08:00

I rested my head on the table
And I felt the movement of Eileen brush past behind me
Why are you sad?
I tell you later
She asked again
Why are you sad?
I tell you later through sms later
She asked again
Why are you sad?
I TOLD YOU I TELL YOU LATER
Can't you understand!
I was agitated..
Cause nobody seems to understand why am i feeling this way
You are selfish to your friends for being sad
Hui Kiow agreed with her
I stood there feeling a sense of anger
FOR ALL MY DAM LIFE
Its not like i did not think for them
But
What she said stayed inside me

Strange
When I was playing soccer
I was kind of distracted..

The ball flew from somewhere
It landed in front of me
I kicked it high
It headed for Ervin
Yesterday I told Ervin
I want to die
Nobody bothers if im dead or alive
What rot you talking
I want to walk out of my house
Go out late and come back next morning
How you going to sleep?
Im not in the mood to sleep anyway
Y?
Because of my fucking life
Try to find redeeming stuff
I stood there thinking
Probably i was too sad, too tired to think
Nothing
Surely have one.. 16 years leh
I thought
Actually Ervin, you helped me alot
You are worth redeeming to me
I thought about something you say last time
I was like Gabrielle Solis from the desperate housewife
I didn't in the least think i was selfish like her
Then yesterday show
Made me think i really was like her
It showed her finally saying what she wanted to say
For those who didn't watch the show before
For all her life she hated babies and give the impression to everyone she hated babies
They are troublesome
They are noisy
She had a baby once by accident with her husband due to a broken condom
She was furious
But one day
Only after falling off the stairs when she thought a burglar broke into her house
Losing her baby
She realised how much the baby meant to her
However
She still did not want to admit that she wanted a baby
Even when her husband keep asking her to have a baby again
She said you can either choose between her or a baby
He thought and chose her cause she meant more
She looked at her husband
She was relieved and told her husband that she actually all the while wanted a baby
I realised i was like her
Selfish
Making mistakes
Not wanting to change
Not admitting they are mistakes
You are right, Ervin
I was like Gabrielle Solis
But from today i won't be like her anymore

The ball landed in front of me the second time
I kicked it high
It headed in Shi Jie's direction
Strange
I remembered what you said on March 28th
You said
Sometimes when people laugh at us
We are entertaining them
We may not fill happy inside
But doesn't it makes you happy to see them happy
I sense you changing into like Boon Siang
But i know the reason
It was to be self-scarificing like him
The time when he dressed in the Indian Sari
It takes someone with great heart
And great courage to do this
It truely was admirable to me..
I thought about my sadness
I kept expressing it to you people
But i didn't see you people expressing it to me
Boon Siang did not showed much when he was dressed in that dress
But he simply smiled as always
If i was the one wearing that
I probably would have the word sad all over my face
I realised something from this i didn't realised before
What Eileen said..
I truely was a selfish person
Cause i cared to show
But i did not care to care

Joseph defended the ball by kicking it hard away
The ball rolled past my foot really fast
In class just before
I complained about what eileen said about me to you
You told me a story
A story about you
You told me you were always fighting in primary school
I was shocked cause you are a really nice guy now
I thought about it
You changed knowing that your actions were wrong
I haven't changed
Always remained as the real sad boy
I thought again
Yah i was the selfish boy
I thought i was great
Thinking that i cared about my friends
But i realised they cared about me more
You all are the real true anti-heroes
An idol that will stay in me

You know what im going to change
I will not lay my dam head onto the table
And groaned in sadness anymore
I will listen and do whatever it takes to do well
I WILL STUDY
I WILL BE HAPPY AND CONTENTED WITH WHATEVER I HAVE

What makes a man IV

2006-05-11T20:20:00.000+08:00

Bridge brain
Have you heard of them?
They are guys with more estrogen then testerone in their brain
They are not all gay
Born with a female brain system
But male physiology and hormones
Here is an account by cheryl on her bridge brain husband

I think my husband must be a bridge brain.
When we were courting, he was even more romantic than i was
He had everything laid out for sunset dinners
He read me poetry
He wrote songs for me
He was the dream man
After we got married, he gave me cards and love letters
He takes such good care of me and the kids
He's in computers and works out of our home
He's always rearranging furniture
He likes it to look nice
Even after eleven years he knows how to make me feel like
I'm the only person in the world who matters
All my women friends envy me
Their husbands hardly ever tell them anything about how they feel

2006-05-11T20:07:00.000+08:00

He stayed by the door
Waiting for every man to pass through
None said 'thank you'
It etched through my mind whether to say 'thanks'
But theres something inside me that says what the heck
Then i thought
The Japanese
They probably say 'alikado' for even the smallest stuff you did for them
Even their silent bows meant their gratitude
So polite
Should we be like them?

What makes a man III

2006-05-10T12:05:00.000+08:00

A girl seventeen years old
Understand the pleasure of sex
Obsessing herself with men
Looking at them during sports
Imaginating themselves with them
Holding their perfectly sculpted bodies

One day she entered a bar with her group of female friends
She did not realise that it was gay night
Her friend screamed..
Oh my God, they are all gay!
Her friends in unison and shocked..
What?
They loved manly men
All the gay men in front looked like what they have pictured as manly men
Tall-dark-and-handsome
Strong-silent-types
Right in front of them were two men holding hands
Gazing deeply into each other's eyes
It was arresting to her
She couldn't stop noticing them
They stared with each other in the shy, bashful way
They smiled with each other
They slowly laced their fingers together
Only to unlace them and gently caress each other's plams
Their tenderness caught her by surprise
They are clearly in love..
Her friends shouted
Let's get out of here, and get some straight guys
However her eyes were glued to the two men
Stop staring and come on
Her girlfriends thought she was so engrossed because she had never seen this before
Not so
She felt comfortable
It was their sexuality that held her
She realised she had never been touched like that before by another guy in her life
She had never held guys hand for nothing more then the sake of holding it
She felt those men had a deep emotional connection
A love so strong even she felt it
She realised she dolled herself up like barbie doll
Polished her nails
Blushed her cheeks
Making herself more feminine
What man would want
None of it was real
Man want woman with their own originality
She thought for herself again
She realised she chose her male friends
Because of their compassion, their creativity, their humour
She chose her lovers for not who they are
But who she wanted them them to be..

Extracts from 'men holding hands' from 'what makes a man'

What makes a man II

2006-05-10T11:31:00.000+08:00

The son mumbled..
Maybe I should play sports? Like softball?
The father cocked his head to one side..
What's this all about? Why the sudden interest?
The son replied..
I don't know? Maybe girls will like me better?
The father thought to himself..
Excuse me?
My boy is intuitive, smart, creative, loved animals, japanese anime, snowboarding..
He like buliding cities with legos
He liked to help his grandmother in the garden
He liked to lay his head on my chest
He liked science fiction
Maybe girls would like him if he played sports? What the hell?
His son continued with his speech..
Girls would rather date jocks instead of computer nerds
Boys talk about sports, matches who scored what and stuff
About tricks of getting to higher level in computer games
I have nothing to talk about
Light dawned onto his father
That boys fight in two stuff
Sports and computer games
He thought that night about..
Girls attracted to more "traditional" displays of masculinity
Don't know how to experience their own femininity
If life is just conforming to one's "supposingly" generic type
There would not be self-defintion and individuality
His father asked men and women who would shared these experiences
A war between vulnerability, individuality
Against longing, empathy, grief, fear and its own destiny
Many men today lost their unique self
Conforming to what is "being a man" should be all about
The teachers, artists, monks, healers are the people who enjoy freedom of themselves after challenging emotional battle scars
If women want men to be different,
Mothers must not freak out and run for karate school brochures if their sons want dance lessons
They cannot turn a blind eye to their sons struggle in changing the way they are
Abandoning their intuitive and tenderness
To be competitive and successful
Woman must separate the ideas between musculinity and feminity
We lived in a world of violence and fear
We can have gun of some kind to protect ourselves
Or we can abandon our fears of death, ridicule
Taking out our emotional guns
Winning an unwinnable war.

Extracts from 'putting the gun' from 'what makes a man'

What makes a man I

2006-05-10T11:11:00.000+08:00

Last night i was at cck library..
In the midst, i found an interesting book
"What makes a man"
What is the definition of a man nowadays
Playing violent computer games and goes "yes, i killed you!"
Watch action films and the explosions like "wow"
Remembering all the soccer players names but not his yesterday's conversations?
Don't cry?
Be physically strong?
Must be into war?
Put their work and money first?
Have jobs like an athlete, gladiator and secret agents?
Is that what a man is all about?
Why do men think these way?
Do all men think this way?
This book made me find answers to alot of stuff about the gender indentity..
It inspires me to think about sissy, gay, straight
The different kind of man and also woman
The book talks of different experiences
I shall share some of them..

7th May 2006

2006-05-09T14:53:00.000+08:00

I stand before this ground..
Which holds the light of jesus..
Im not a christian..
But i visited the church today..
With Joseph..
I was on my path of confusion..
So i wondered if this god could help me..

You know christians..
They will have the singspiration..
It does kind of touches me..
They would raise their hands..
And sing with their hands up high..
And their voices soaked my hair follicles on my goosepimples..
Pricking them up one by one..
It is calming somehow..
I do like the band..
They do have nice electric guitar..

The pastor made a speech which made me questioned about god..
His existence..
The pastor did made me fucking angry..
The way he keep praising about God..
Everything.. It makes no sense to me..
And why did he say in such a fucking tone..
He could be nicer..
He seemed proud to me..
He has been trying to make the people believe in God and continue believing..
However he did the opposite to me..
He said everything we had belonged to God..
Even our breath..
I wanted to ask him about our way of thinking..
Does it belonged to him too..
If it does, why does God made me questioned him..
Why God made people have war..
Why are there so many corrupted people..
With their corrupted minds..
How bout the difference in thinking between young people now and the past..
Did he made people think for a reason?
I want to ask the pastor this Saturday..
Lots and lots of questions..
If i got the answers i want..
Maybe i will believe in God..

The different religions..
Christian..
Muslim..
Jewish..
Don't they pray all pray jesus?
The Catholics prayed his mother..
Aren't they all connected?
I don't understand..
Maybe i will have the answers this Saturday..

2006-05-09T14:41:00.000+08:00

These two days..
I have received my results..
I will share my results..
E maths paper 1 i got 29/80
E maths paper 2 i got 40/100
Overall i got 38/100
Geography 48/100
English compre 24/50
Chemistry 26/100
Biology 33.333/100
Why am i not surprise..
Today i stay here to share my results..
For you people..
Hoping i would be your comfort..
For those who did badly but better than me..
Im here..
You don't have to worry so much..
At least there is someone like me to do worst than you..
I shall just find a corner somewhere..
To suffer with my results..
And must probably cry
I failed every subject..
Who can be worst than me..
If you really did worst than me..
I thank you..
For being my comfort..

2006-05-02T15:16:00.000+08:00

Yesterday my star sign said i would have a romantic offer that day..
OK in the morning, i switched on my phone..
I saw a message..
I thought..
Must be my romantic offer..
So nervous..
So fun..
Who could it be..
Then i click open and read..
This is what it says..
Sj wants to go lib pia for prelims on fri.. u ok wif that?
Stunned..
how romantic..

Ok then thought my romantic offer will come..
So i waited till later when i reached the istana..
Yah i went istana yesterday..
Alot of people okay..
Ok i waited for RV dance 2 perform..
From 2 to 5..
Then it rained..
Arh..
Then the performance takes so long to finally start..
It finally started..
The people were so dam tall..
And they squeezed to the front..
I can't stand it anymore..
I left in the rain going out..
On the way..
I heard a song..
It was performed by a band..
I thought for while..
The sky is dark..
It is raining..
The song is colours of the wind from pocahontas..
Beautiful love song..
Ok this must be the romantic offer that will be given to me..
Im trying to be sarcastic..
Well the entire setting was there..
The rain was really heavy..
It was romantic..
But it lacked someone..
So i end up being stuck alone in the rain..
How stunning..

Then i thought again..
Maybe a beautiful song is already a romantic offer..
The one may not be there with me..
But the one must have summoned this song there for me to listen..

Marriage - the one

2006-05-02T14:49:00.000+08:00

I was reading the newspaper ytd..
There are a group of female friends together talking bt how dey know hes the one..
They are playing a game and have to share their moments..
One of the girl said she know hes the one when he kissed her in her sickest moment..
That day she was really drunk and vomiting all over..
Her boyfren assured her by kissing her on the lips..
Saying that this was fine..
From that moment she knew hes the one..
How romantic..
She said her other boyfriends practically dump her aside went she was vomiting the last time..
She actually also said that she also dump her boyfriends aside when they were vomiting..
Saving her from the embarrassment..
Then she realised that she loved herself more than her boyfriends..
There was no love in the first place..
Thus she said we should love someone for not only their happiest moments but also the sickest..

I read someone blog's just now saying
dont be fooled by looks
dont be dismayed by someone's talk
the whole purpose of relationships
is that you feel love
and if you are not happy
you can rest assured that maybe he/she is not the right match for you
and if you ever doubt whether he/she is your perfect match
then most likely they are not
because once love comes to you
it is very confident and strong
because it only takes someone great to summon it for you to feel it

There's more but this is enough..
It takes great wisdom and maturity to say stuff like that..
I agree with both..

2006-04-30T16:27:00.000+08:00

I was at IKEA just now..
Lookin for furni..
Then i saw this gal..
She made my heart thump with a softness..
Something i had never felt from anyone before..
Well she was a worker there..
And she was older than me..
I doubt she was singaporean..
No hopes i guess..
But seriously..
I looked into her eyes..
She has very beautiful blue eyes..
Her eyes held a reflection..
A reflection of a kind girl..
I notice her talking to others..
She is very helpful..
Very polite..
Maybe im just attracted to people with blue eyes..

2006-04-30T16:09:00.000+08:00

I feel im so bored with my dam life..
So i decided to expand my social life..
And try to meet more people..
So i went to the net..
Join some website..
N met this guy..
He has a very beautiful mind..
He says stuff with a wisdom that touches me..
Sometimes i think we should go to the net..
N meet diff people..
They all have their own way of thinking..
Its actually very thrilling to me..
Maybe one day i would meet someone..
Someone who can understand and appreciate my thinking..

2006-04-30T15:58:00.000+08:00

Today im sitting here uncomfortably in the library..
Cause my computer spoilt again..
Okay i won't blame the computer this time..
Cause im getting a new laptop!
Okay i sounded materialistic..

2006-04-27T17:32:00.000+08:00

12.15pm..
The teacher..
Pacing around the room..
Her energy distracted me..
I can't stand it..
Teachers who moves around..
I will lose my concentration..
And she was actually kicking the soccer ball..
At the back, behind me..
It distracted me again..
Throughout the paper..
I have been scratching my head..
Leaving blanks..
And i don't give a dam..
Im just too tired..

1pm..
I stopped trying the maths paper..
Which made my head spin..
I looked around the class..
Everyone..
Really everyone keep writing and thinking..
Not giving up even the last minute..
A strong willed bunch of people..
I don't want to look at them..
Looking at them..
Just wreck my heart..
It made me seemed so weak..

1.15pm
I turned my head..
I looked out..
I saw the old man..
Sweeping quietly..
He kind of calm me..

1.30pm
The test is over..
Please don't say its easy..
Please don't say you will get an A..
I have never gotten one..
Whether is chemistry, geography, maths or whatever..
Please don't say it easy..
Its never easy to me..
I hate that word..
Just hearing it made my heart bleed..
Bleeding inside silently..
How i long one day to be able to say its easy..
When you rejoice..
Did you see me cry?
Cry so painfully inside with no one there to feel it..

1.35pm
People discussing about the answers..
I never discuss answers..
Why?
I never get them correct..
Is there a point for me to discuss anyway?
I just find myself fading into the crowd..
Silently suffering from my own misery..

Yah i know i did not put in the effort..
I deserved what i got..
But its just so painful for me to see someone standing on the bridge waving..
While i found myself drowning deep into the sea..

2006-04-23T11:17:00.000+08:00

I am very affected by how the newspaper writes..
The newspaper is irritating..
Today it talks of teen wanting to follow their dreams again..
Seriously confused to follow their dreams or not..
Confused like me..
Just a few days ago..
I thought of becoming a professional breakdancer..
Then my thoughts told me that it is not the right choice..
It happened like this..
Ervin sent me an email..
I opened the email..
It showed a video of final fantasy x..
It led me to remember my past..
How i enjoyed playing rpg games..
How the meaning i sensed in these games..
Led me to many conclusions in life..
Then i read the newspaper again..
My star sign says i should relook my past..
It will help in the future..
And magically i came to a conclusion..
I should become a game developer..
Today the newspaper again..
Show the importance of games..
A first person shooter game..
That is the same as what Singapore Armed Force is like..
The SAF uses it to teach our army..
And magically i came to a conclusion..
I must become a game developer..
I want to show the importance of many things..
An importance that is lacking in this world..
An attitude..
The way people think nowadays are so different..
Unlike the past..
Where people have a common goal..
To build a future for us..
Now people want many things for their own reason..
Reasons for friends, for family, for themselves..
But not reasons for everyone..
People forget the past deeds..
Where our future will lie..
If there are always conflicts..
Of different views..
The elderly want the old fashion way..
The adults want substances..
The young people want changes..
The teens want differences..
The children want toys..
It promotes thinking..
But lost a place..
Called home..

2006-04-18T22:52:00.000+08:00

At macdonald today..
There was a guy..
This guy walked up to me..
He asked me for my handphone..
He said he wanted to call..
Through his tone..
Through his eyes..
I know he has a complex mind..
I told him sorry, i don't have..
He stood there blankly..
And he left..
Minutes later..
He came back with a handphone in his hands..
A woman followed him..
She raised her voice at this guy..
Telling him to return her handphone back..
He stood there blankly again..
And he left..
The woman gave chase..
What happened later..
I did not know..
But as i walked out..
I saw him..
Beside a muscled tatoo guy..
With a group of helpless students..
These people laughed at him..
Saying he is crazy..
But he is suffering from autism..

A child so helpless..
On the street..
I wonder who left him there..
He was wearing a school uniform..
Why would his parents let him go to school..
Knowing he is suffering from autism..
Where are his parents..
How could his parents leave him alone..

He is not as fortunate as many of us..
He was not given a gift to connect to people..
I was about to throw away this gift i have today..
Thinking of quiting school and my future..
But its this guy..
That made me think..
Maybe whats best for me is what i was given..

2006-04-16T18:54:00.000+08:00

She was walking along orchard yesterday..
An old lady came up to her..
The old lady eyes is filled with sadness..
The old lady eyes contained solitude..
The old lady begged her with sympathy..
The old lady begged her with politeness..
The old lady just want a dollar from her..
She pondered for a moment..
She took out a dollar..
She gave it to her..
Warmth overwhelmed the old lady..
Kindness grabbed the old lady..
Compassion shook the old lady..
Knowing that there is someone like her..

She walked along..
She reached before two playful kids..
They were screaming..
They were shouting..
They were playing with their wallet..
The boy was indulging in his fun..
The boy accidentally threw his wallet on the road..
The boy eyes began to fill with fear..
The girl eyes swelled with shock..
She came along..
She walked up the busy road..
She took the wallet..
She returned it to the helpless child..
She calmed the child..
The child learnt his lesson..
The child walked away..
Knowing there is someone like her..

Dedicated to my special friend..

2006-04-10T21:24:00.000+08:00

My heart aches this morning..
It aches of not wanting to go school..
It aches so hard to tell my parents as well..

I thought for a while..
Then i shocked my parents..
With just a sentence..
I don't want to go to school..

But i didn't expect to be shocked by my parents..
This shock is painless..
Its not ordinary..
Its special..
Its filled with a warmth that only we can feel..

I always thought my parents never understand me..
They never know a single thing about me..
Today I realised i did not need to tell them anything..
Cause they know everything..
They did not ask anyone..
They can feel it..
They can feel everything about me..

I realised the bond between parents and child is something so powerful..
That it can kill everything it wants..
Especially when darkness tries to enter my soul..

2006-04-09T21:37:00.000+08:00

Seriously i want to PON school tomorrow and on my birthday..
I want a break..
Im going to be sixteen soon..
I think i should pon..
For my own sake..
Go somewhere..
Relax..
Throw away my thoughts..

2006-04-09T20:56:00.000+08:00

Its so fucking irritating..
I decided to go out with you.. mum..
And you have to complain..
Hey im trying to have a great time here..
And you have to complain..
We were in dad's car..
And you have to complain..
And grandma you have to join in..
Join in the complaining..
I want some peace here..
I took my mp3 and blast it in my ears..
I don't care if i go deaf..
I just don't want to hear you complain..
Hey you complain to get it off your chests..
I know that..
That is why..
I tried to share about the dumbest stuff..
The craziest stuff i ever done..
To make all of you laugh..
But after all that..
You turned back..
To your complain stuff..

When we were walking at IKEA..
Mum and dad argued..
And they started arguing about me..
Mum said i could renovate my room after mid-years..
Dad said after 'o' levels..
Hey i don't care if its 'o' level or after mid-year..
Just don't argue over me..
Its not worth it..
I don't deserve it..
Both of you are great yah..
Mum knows i want a room to myself fast..
Dad don't want it to be a distraction for my 'o'..
Seriously your arguing never ends..
You argue whether we should take the lift or the escalator..
You argue whether we should go left or right..
Don't you both think its dumb..
Look at what you are you arguing about..
I so much want to tell the both of you that..
Fuck it..
Don't give a dam about it..
Both of you will always be the greatest in my eyes..

5th April 2006

2006-04-06T18:50:00.000+08:00

Everything changes this good day..
Madam Lalitha heard about the incident yesterday..
She said she would support me in my feelings..
It mended the broken heart that i was left with yesterday..
Later today i had counselling..
I actually thought the first session was useless..
But this good day..
I sense something in my counsellor, Miss Tay..
Your warm jovial spirit..
Made me smile..
Your exciting adventures..
Made me wile..
You made great friends..
Im happy for you..
You liked counselling..
It made you happy, don't you..
You said you can get me a tutor for free..
You said you can asked a friend teach me breakdance..
Cool..
I admire you..
The world is fair..
Everything that happens today..
Cover the bad day i have yesterday..
Now i have answers to many questions..
One of them was why madam lalitha was my teacher..
Without her, i have no counsellor..
No counsellor, still sad..
In the end still fucked up..
With her, got counsellor..
With counsellor, become happier..
In the end fuck no fuck..
A choice of my own..

4th April 2006

2006-04-06T18:38:00.000+08:00

I was standing in the corner..
Waiting for my teacher..
You asked me to wait..
Yah i waited for two hours..
You went to find the co keys..
But i believed they are gone with another reason..
I was fucked up..
Fucked up waiting for you..
Cause you tested my crampy patience..
And when you finally came..
You told me to call my dad..
Yah i called my dad..
My dad asked me who i am..
I told my dad im his son..
You laughed at us..
Like we were strangers..
Then you talked to my dad..
I talked to my ex-teachers..
Miss Ho..
You told me not to pon..
Mrs Chan..
You told me not to pon..
Yeah yeah i dont give a dam to all those shit..
Hey man i made this decision..
I gave it some thought..
You say my decision was wrong..
You clearly have no sense..
I've thought through alot..
Before i reached this lot..
Oh come on..
My heart was broken..
When i made this fuck solution..
Wang Qiu Ying..
You came along..
Scolded me for ponning long..
Then you turned to your usual way..
Your sarcastic nice straightforward way..
Make me so sad this whole day..

2006-04-06T18:35:00.000+08:00

I have not blogged already for like one week..
Reason is because my com fucking spoilt again..
This entry is just to say my com spoilt..
So my entries would lesser..
I using my dear friend money..

2006-03-29T17:54:00.000+08:00

Today got counselling..
Counselling is interesting when you are the counsellor..
The guy being counselled today is Wilson..
Well this Wilson feels that he is too shy to share his inner thoughts..
But he has a lot of questions for this counsellor..
He wanted to know why the counsellor wanted to be counsellor..
He wanted to know if the counsellor was happy with her life..
He wanted to know how was her life in secondary school..
He wanted to know why she wanted to study..
He wanted to know if she went to poly or jc..
He wanted to know why she chose it..
He wanted to know why..
He did not asked..
This guy wanted to know things he did not know..
This guy didn't need to be told things he already know..
This guy had a complicated heart..
A heart too complex to understand..
This guy had created a mindset of his own..
A mindset which is not necessary right..
This guy had a will of his own..
A will that is stronger than steel but weaker than air..
This guy had a dream of his own..
A dream of an uncertain future..

2006-03-28T20:21:00.000+08:00

My Destination..
My life..
You know i intend to blog about my path in my future..
Then suddenly Shi Jie and Ervin start saying a lot of things to me..
Destroying my train of thoughts..
Now feeling so fucked up..
The choices i made of cos must come with hard work..
Im not dumb..
You tink i cannot see that if i dont work hard, i will not succeed meh..
Its just that im so dam rebellious..
Yah i know for every single thing in my life..
I have my principles inside of me..
I will not change it until something dam tragic happen..
Lyk someone died or wat..
Then i will realise im wrong n change it..
This stubborness that is inside of me..
I must throw it away..
Yah of course but the only way..
Is to penetrate it with your gentle soul..
I dun grow up hardcore..
Even if i did..
Only a gentle touch could kill my stubborness..
And everyone's else..
Actually Shi Jie you approached me with your gentle soul..
You told me about your life..
The way you feel..
But I have my way..
I don't intend to follow yours..
Ervin you said a lot of stuff..
Which you think i tink its crap..
I know its not crap and you are just trying to help me..
But I have my way..
I don't intend to follow yours..

2006-03-25T07:37:00.000+08:00

Life is filled with surprises..
Yesterday Joseph..
In the morning..
Told me that..
He told Madam Lalitha about my blog on Tuesday..
The day I DID NOT PON CCA..
But I did walk out of it at 3.30pm..
I stayed for a full fucking one hour..
ARHHHH...
But I believed things happen for a reason..
My fate changes yesterday..
Yesterday Madam Lalitha talked to me about..
My parents..
My friends..
My blog..
Me..
Then I got myself a counseller..
How cool is that..
You know I think it would change me..
To be better..

Madam Lalitha..
You know..
No one in the world..
Have ever complimented me..
The way you complimented me..
Your words are filled with understanding of me..
It made me want to cry..
I tried hiding my tears..
But my heart still swell..
Really in my entire life..
This is the first time..
Someone complimented me with..
Kindness..
That comes from your heart..
It really made me happy..
My first true smile in months..

2006-03-20T20:29:00.000+08:00

I went to chinese remedial today..
I wonder why?
I would usually have pon..
Probably its my friends..
They have been trying so hard..
To get it in my head..
Probably its fear..
Afraid of losing everything..
Afraid of having nothing..
Probably its my grandma..
She kept saying study for her..
This is too powerful..
This is too dreadful..
Cause I love my friends..
I love my grandma..
....................................................
To my friends..
I actually feel like going up on stage..
Singing saving me by nickelback..
To you..
On international friendship day..
But I sux at singing..
Not confident..
Too shy..
But I want to dedicate this songs to you..
Cause you tried to save me..
Save me from my folly..
Save me from my fists..
Save me from my fuck..
If only I had a damn cool electric guitar..

saving me - nickelback

2006-03-18T21:06:00.000+08:00

Prison gates won't open up for me
On these hands and knees I'm crawlin'
Oh, I reach for you
Well I'm terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can't hold my soul in
All I need is you
Come please I'm callin'
And oh I scream for you

Hurry I'm fallin'

Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me

Heaven's gates won't open up for me
With these broken wings I'm fallin'
And all I see is you
These city walls ain't got no love for me
I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And oh I scream for you
Come please I'm callin'
And all I need from you

Hurry I'm fallin'

Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me

Hurry I'm fallin'

All I need is you
Come please I'm callin'
And oh I scream for you

Hurry I'm fallin' I'm fallin' Im' fallin'

Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me
Hurry I'm fallin'

Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me

.................................................................

I really love this song..
It describes me..
Cause im trapped inside my own thoughts..
Unsure..
Unclear..
Screaming..
Screaming for help..
Wishing someone would be there..
But I find myself slowly fading away in the mist of the crowd..

I want to perservere..
But I need guidance..
From you..
You got to tell me what I did wrong..
Punch me in the face..
You got to teach me the right way..
Then I will try to change..
But I need you to assure me..
If not I will still be stuck..

I have not find happiness..
Cause my sad wounds have not heal..
I am falling into my own traps..
But I don't want to stay there forever..
I just need you to help me..
Free me from my traps..

I want to stay strong..
But I need encouragement..
Say it for me..
Say it to me..
Cause all I need is you..

2006-03-16T20:12:00.000+08:00

I cannot stand home anymore..
I cannot stand staying at home to hear all those mean comments..
I cannot stand my mum for giving those mean comments..
She sees the maid..
Can fucking scold her for hours..
Can keep complaining she is lousy..
Mum why can't u think of encouraging her..
You just have to make everyone feel so upset..
This is already the fourth maid..
And you have to complain..
The first is too lazy..
The second is crazy..
The third is dirty..
When can you ever get a perfect maid..
Why you always have to be like that..
How come you could not be nicer to people..
Go to restaurant..
See the service lousy..
Can fucking scold slow service..
Can keep complaining..
Mum can you shut up for a while..
And think through what you said..
Cause they aren't nice..
Think I am a bastard??
For scolding my own mum..
Yah I am a bastard..
I won't mind being a bastard if my mum could change..
I just want you to be kinder to others..
Dammit..
Can't you understand..
But you did treat a person nice..
And that person is me..
You gave me everything I want..
And never scold me..
I know that..
You meant me good..
But I rather you give everything to the other people..
And fucking scold me..
Why?
Cause I don't want you to vent your fustrations on others..
Making others sad..
Making yourself sad..
I feel so sad seeing you sad..
But..
You can make me sad..
Cause I am your son..

2006-03-15T19:09:00.000+08:00

I never study..
I always never study..
I hate studying..
I feel like dying when I study..
Today..
I opened the newspaper.. (Its like a once in the lifetime thing)
I saw Mr Leong..
He was kicked out of school at 14..
He told himself he needed a lifelong skill..
So he became a chef..
He was extraordinary..
He started in bangkok..
Came back to Singapore..
Work in Tung Lok group..
Fly all over the world teasing people's food..
Thinking about it..
I want to be like him..
So cool..
What's the point of studying..
People could be so successful..
Life is also so interesting..
Get kicked out of school..
Go clubbing..
Then realised mistake..
Then start learning something..
Became a great guy..
Then great husband..
Then great father..
He's my idol man..

Then later..
I read about a boy..
Who suffered from exotropia..
His eyes were outward in two different directions..
His classmates teased him "cock-eyes"
His teachers don't understand he has difficulty seeing..
Thought he was daydreaming..
Then got scolded by fucking lousy teacher..
Cannot concentrate on homework..
Cause eyes get tired easily..
He had surgery and was later cured..
I realised something..
I was given a pair of pretty eyes..
I did not use it as well as this brave guy..
He may not have the perfect eyes in the past..
But he uses it well..
He uses it to read..
I use mine to see stuff I should not see..
Dammit..
I should change..
But its just too hard..

2006-03-14T12:33:00.000+08:00

The family cycle..
It all starts because of one person in the family..

first scene..
grandma saw maid not doing work correctly..
grandma tell maid the right way of doing it..
grandma saw maid not doing correctly again..
grandma gets into bad mood..
grandma scolds maid..
maid tries to defend herself..
grandma call grandpa come..
grandpa came to scold maid..
son hear conflicts..
son cannot concentrate..
son cannot study..
mum ask son why not study..
son feels reason is stupid to tell mum..
mum continue asking..
son continue saying nothing..
dad came..
dad ask son..
son remain silent..
son cannot stand it..
son don't want stay at home..
son want to runaway from home..

second scene..
mum came home..
see daughter exam results..
mum became mad..
mum scold daughter..
mum demoralised daughter..
grandma came..
grandma scold daughter..
grandma demoralised daughter..
son hear conflicts..
son worried..
son cannot concentrate..
mum ask son why not study..
son feels reason is stupid to tell mum..
mum continue asking..
son continue saying nothing..
dad came..
dad ask son..
son remain silent..
son cannot stand it..
son don't want stay at home..
son want to runaway from home..

third scene..
mum sit in car..
dad sit in car..
son sit in car..
daughter sit in car..
mum discussed with dad..
dad disagree with mum..
mum angry..
rebutt against dad..
dad angry..
argue with mum..
car turn noisy..
mum ask son for opinion..
dad say son sure agree with dad..
son in a fix..
son cannot concentrate..
mum ask son why not study..
son feels reason is stupid to tell mum..
mum continue asking..
son continue saying nothing..
dad came..
dad ask son..
son remain silent..
son cannot stand it..
son don't want stay at home..
son want to runaway from home..

fourth scene..
mum came home..
feeling very stressed..
start scolding maid..
then scold daughter..
then argue with dad..
then nag at son..
son hear conflicts..
son very tired..
mum ask son why not study..
son feels reason is stupid to tell mum..
mum continue asking..
son continue saying nothing..
dad came..
dad ask son..
son remain silent..
son cannot stand it..
son don't want stay at home..
son want to runaway from home..

how would u expect the son to tell them that they were the cause of his worries, anger and sadness..

2006-03-13T19:39:00.000+08:00

Sitting on my chair..
I just realised something..
Im selfish..
Why?
For all this time im asking 4 help..
When did i offered help to my frens..
Huikiow..
Ervin..
Joseph..
Shi Jie..
Jun Han..
Kenneth..
Tell me how can i help u..
Cos i realli wan 2 help u..
For all tat u have done 4 me..

2006-03-13T19:24:00.000+08:00

Todae i go school 4 dumb chinese remedial..
Reach school find out JOSEPH NEVER GO..
How can you!!
U said u will go!!
I would have PON n not come 2 tis fucking thing..
FUCK!
Sorry losing control again..
U tell boon nv tell me..
Actually i think u meant it in a good way..
U wan me 2 go n study..
U wan me 2 not give up on my chi..
Hey actually..
Im not that mad already..
Knowing u tried..
Im thankful..

saturday 11th march 2006

2006-03-12T11:19:00.000+08:00

Its the meet-the-parents session today..
I did not go..
I dunno how 2 face in front of all the teachers with my sucky results..
I asked mdm lalitha 2 show my parents my progress report instead of me giving 2 dem myself..
I tink im pushing away my reponsibility..
Anyway..
my parents went..
saw my l1r5 45..
came back..
did not scold me..
i feel lyk e world's most suckiest son..
my parents were so good 2 me
i don noe how 2 appreciate it..
............................................................................
den later my mum go 2 school..
yah my mum go school take up courses..
meanwhile i went wif my sis n dad 2 plaza singapura..
we had lunch dere..
my dad asked me y i hate studying so much..
i did not answer..
later he said..
my mum told my teacher she was a lousy mother..
she said she failed as a mother..
the food began 2 suck alot..
i feel im an even more suckier son..
man..
i sux..
mum..
im sorry..

thursday 9th march 2006

2006-03-12T10:55:00.000+08:00

Shi Jie

I am going home from school..
U r on the train persuading me to study..
U pulled a tread out of my shirt..
Saying that that is a bad habit that shud be removed..
U kept talking..
Talking about when we were Sec1s and Sec2s..
U said that last time my maths had always been good..
I couldn't have scored scored such grades right now..
U said I used 2 tuition u for maths durin peer tutoring..
U said you will help me for maths now..
Hey Shi Jie,
It doesn't matter what you said..
U believed in me..
Im truly happy..

tuesday 7th march 2006

2006-03-12T10:25:00.000+08:00

I stepped out of school..
Feeling no satisfaction..
But a feeling of emptyness..
The act I just did was nothing but foolishness..

I walked out of school before dismissal..
I don't give a fucking dam..
She saw me leaving school..
I don't think she give a fucking dam..

I began to think of what he said..
That my actions were very important..
He continue saying..
That they could have caused much destruction..

I realised my mistakes..
But I couldn't seem to care..
Maybe I should just try..
Try to be kinder..

the computer can feel my sadness

2006-03-12T09:58:00.000+08:00

The library com fucking spoilt too..
Must be my curse or something..
Use 2 library com spoilt both com..
Den faster run away..
Now i got back my own com..
Kind of happy..

2006-03-10T17:46:00.000+08:00

my com is fucking irritating cause it spoilt..
dammit i have so much 2 say lately and it fucking spoilt..
now i have 2 use a library com 2 say all that i want 2 say..
i will backdate 2 tuesday where i have a lot 2 say..

2006-03-06T20:08:00.000+08:00

I hav been thinking a lot..
Thinking and thinking..
Thinking about my life..
Thinking about what is right?
Thinking about what is wrong?
Thinking about why i act like that..
Thinking about why you act like that..
Thinking about why you do this thing..
Thinking about why i didn't do this thing..
Thinking how come you so smart..
Thinking how come i so dumb..
Thinking how come suzanna can always get so many trophies..
I never seem to ever win anything..
Thinking how come im stuck with the worst grades..
Is it because i did not study?
Thinking of my own selfish reasons..
I keep ponning this, ponning that.. These decisions are not always right, right?
Thinking how come i cannot think for others..
I wan this, wan that.. Have i ever thought giving this, giving that?
Thinking how come i must study..
Why some people don't study like david gunn can become so rich..
Thinking how come i cannot live in fantasy..
Everyday seems so beautiful.. like a dream come true..
Thinking how come i not some person from amazon tribes..
Then i would not think so much.. Cause life is more simple..
Thinking how come life is filled with choices..
Make my life so interesting but then confusing..
Thinking for my mother..
Mum i know u r stressed.. for me.. but mum.. dammit.. i really don't know how to express my feelings for u..
Thinking for my father..
Dad you never tell me what job you are doing? You work at home, you work outside. What exactly are you doing?
Thinking for my sister..
Sis its difficult, life is difficult but you got to be strong..
Thinking for my grandmother..
Grandma you have always been thinking for me, i appreciate that..
Thinking for my grandfather..
Grandpa you have always never say no to my favours.. im truly thankful..
Thinking for you..
Are you happy with your life cause i never seem contented..
Probably that is why i never find true happiness..

horoscope are true

2006-03-05T10:25:00.000+08:00

Pushing for an answer will get you one -- but not necessarily the one you were hoping for. It's a good time to practice patience and let things gestate on their own for a while. Your job now is to let things lie.

Tis is my yesterday reading..
I tink its true..
I had been hoping 4 something 4 a really long time..
Tat is 2 move house as soon as possible..
I didn't really get tat answer from my mum..
She said she would renovate my room..
But tat is not wat i hope 4 actually..
I have to be patient i guess to get the things i wan..
Probably my parents would strike lottery..
And we could move house..
Yeah man..
Tat is so cool..
I just got to be patient..

hate me

2006-03-04T12:21:00.000+08:00

Today I added this song by blue october, hate me.. I tink it is a really great song.. i jus love it so much.. hope u lyk it too.. and dun 4get to hate me.. hate 4 all the ehings i didnt do 4 u..

really sick

2006-02-22T19:41:00.000+08:00

Im so sick this few days tat im too weak to even blog.. tats all i hav 2 say todae..

2006-02-17T20:30:00.000+08:00

Once upon a time..
There lived a baby..
The baby's parents loved the baby alot..
They were willing to buy anything for the baby..
The baby was given the most branded shoes, the best clothes, the best life..
Soon, the baby grew big and enter his childhood..
The parents expected alot from their child..
They wanted him to go to the top school..
They bought him a hell lot of assessments books..
They hired two tutors..
The tutors taught this boy..
This boy was also taught tennis, piano and a damn lot of things..
But what this boy wanted were not those..
His chinese tutor came in every lesson scolding the boy and crying at the same time..
The tutor cried everytime but the boy didn't understand why..
The english tutor came in using the tissue paper cover to clean her face..
Soon the english tutor was changed..
The maths and science teacher was hired..
The teacher kept teaching and the boy kept listening..
The boy became smart and improved..
The boy entered the top class in the school..
However, the tution teacher was changed again..
What the reason was, the boy dun noe why...
The next tution teacher came in and all she did was kept commenting that the boy was very good..
If the boy was really that good , he wouldn't need a tuition teacher..
Then why did the parent always want the boy to have tuition?
The boy didn't understand again..
His parents always scolded the boy for reasons he didn't understand..
And his parents don't explain why..
Soon the boy went into one of the top schools..
His parents were still very strict..
His parents had high hope for him..
Then one day..
He became stressed..
He was sick..
He was tired..
He cannot stand school anymore..
He break down..
Their own boy was so depressed..
They changed their way of disciplining..
The parents let their boy do whatever he wanted..
Let him have whatever he wanted..
They let him do things too freely that..
His results started from an A1 grade and deproved to an F9..
His parents did not scold..
His parents simply told him to work harder next time..
Time goes on..
The boy results were the same..
His parents did not scold again..
His parents simply told him to work harder next time..
His parents did not discipline him..
His parents let their boy do whatever he wanted..
Soon..
The boy became fearless..
The boy was not controlled by his parents anymore..
The boy was not afraid of any teachers in school..
The boy was not afraid of not handing in homework..
The boy did not give a dam to anything anymore..
The boy became lost..
The boy was lost in his own world..
The boy thought of only his own selfish reasons..
The boy began thinking why he turned out this way..
The boy thought for a long time..
The boy thought of his past..
His past was sad..
The boy thought of his future..
His future was gone..
But the boy did not change..
The boy lost track of what was right and what was wrong..
The boy hoped..
The boy prayed..
Who would save this boy?
Who would save me?

2006-02-16T17:46:00.000+08:00

There was once a man..
This man is quite rich and he married a woman..
The woman is not that rich but rich enough 2 support a family..
This man is a loving husband..
This woman is a gentle wife..
This man and this woman lived happily..
Soon dey had a baby..
After 4 years they had another baby..
The first baby turned into a child..
Then the second baby turned into a child..
The first child then turned into a teen..
It was all a happy family until one day..
This man have lost his job..
Or maybe this man was demoted..
This teen wasn't told..
Then..
This woman changed..
This woman was no longer the sweet gentle woman she was..
This woman began throwing tandrums at this man..
These tandrums soon grew into arguments..
This man and this woman argue about the biggest things..
This man and this woman argue about the smallest things..
Then this man and this woman argue about the silliest things..
And finally one day..
This man and this woman did not argue anymore..
Is that a good sign?
This teen did not think so..
This teen began to worry even more..
This woman did not talk to this man..
This man did not look at this woman..
This man come home late..
This woman come home later..
This woman come home late..
This man come home later..
This man and this woman began suffering in silence..
This man and this woman don't talk anymore..
This teen looked at this man and this woman..
This teen feel sad..
This teen don't want this man and this woman to be like that..
This teen don't want this man and this woman to suffer in silence..
This teen want the happy family again..
This teen is me..

todae is nt tat sian lah..

2006-02-15T20:30:00.000+08:00

Every Wednesday got PDP lesson which is short 4 Pupil Developement Programme.. Tink tis is sucky lesson? Well.. tell u frankly lah.. i rather hav PDP lesson den normal lesson.. Dunno leh.. i feel tat PDP lesson got somtin diff 4 me.. it jus makes me tink abt life a little more.. my life actually.. y i seem 2 be livin so dam shityly.. lyk i e onli depressed person waitin 4 som angel 2 appear in my life n shake hands wid me.. maybe dere is 1.. i jus dun realise it.. todae tok bt racists ppl.. e diff religion cos its total defence day.. very sucky again.. bt tis is very important lah.. i dun hav frens of diff races actually.. i jus wasn't given e chance 2 interact wid dem since i study in chi sch since primary sch.. i wan 2 meet ppl of diff races cos i tink ppl who could hang out wif diff races r very cool.. it reminds me of final fantasy again.. ff 10 tis time.. important ppl of diff races marryin 2 hav closer ties between their races.. yuna and seymour.. tis shud happen in e real world too.. it would be lyk a fantasy.. man..

todae is hui kiow bdae.. happy birthday to you.. u had a good time todae right.. 2dae i went out wif 4 gals includin hui kiow.. i onli guy so dam extra man.. let mi jus skip e wol part n jump straight 2 me n hui kiow goin home.. ok we got lost at esplanade.. fuck.. its quite fun actually.. we walk n walk so long den find a bus stop.. den we decided 2 take e taxi.. so funny right... we took e bus.. okay den aft 1 hr plus reach bp can c dogs again.. i love dogs.. cool pets.. fuck, i hope i can own 1.. anyway it was fun lah..

so dam tired..

2006-02-14T18:13:00.000+08:00

todae is quite tiring dae.. tomorrow got e maths test.. so sianx diao.. haiz.. how could i go on lyk tis.. failing tis failing tat.. i don noe lah.. so totally feel lyk givin up man.. i suddenly have e urge 2 take up visual arts as 1 of my subjects.. tinkin i would score better cos i love drawing.. anyway todae i hav a boring day at sch..

todae got eng test which is on TIME.. riting a compostion bt TIME.. fuck.. stupid topic.. got five topics all related 2 TIME.. i managed 2 rite in e end lah bt doctors.. im inspired by doctors actually.. it is actually e show grey anatomy tat make me wan 2 be doctors.. e way their life is lyk so fucked up.. tat y i admire dem.. so fucked up yet stil can perservere.. so totally wish i could be dem man.. oso e way dey managed their time especially surgeons r lyk e coolest ting on earth.. look at dem.. dey so pro.. everytime got emergency hav 2 rush back 2 hospital 2 save ppl.. so cool loh.. i wan 2 be lyk dem.. but hor my studies cnt make it de lah so i dream of another kind of life..

now i almost sleeping liao.. eyes cnt open properly though its 7pm onli.. cause i play tennis jus now wid hui kiow.. very tiring lah but it was okay.. both of us lyk noobs playin.. i keep hitting e net.. sian diao.. tennis is so fuckin irritatin.. sry not wantin 2 offend ppl who lov tennis.. actually tennis is a great sport jus tat i dun noe how to hit e dam ball..

yesterday i read a person blog, i lyk e blog very much cause it is very poetic in a romatic way.. i added him 2 my frens hopin i could really be frens wid him.. cool guy.. anyway i tink i will go sleep.. later den wake up..

hui kiow

2006-02-12T21:39:00.000+08:00

hey.. I jus wan 2 say it is so difficult 2 find gifts.. i walk around e whole of bugis junction but i still couldn't find any gift and came back empty-handed.. its valentine day nxt wk n i stil haven got a gift.. arh.. actually 2 tell u e truth i was findin a gift 4 u.. ur birthday is nxt wk oso lah.. but 2 find a gift really seems so difficult cause i don wan 2 buy u somtin u dun lyk..

let me jus say how much i walked in bugis junction jus 2 find a gift 4 u.. when came into bugis junction, it kind of remind me of e time when we went together.. i tried really hard 2 remember e tings u show likin 2.. i even retraced our steps back 2 seiyu e 2nd floor.. we walk around e billabong corner.. e bags so ex! $49.90! all oso.. cnt afford lah.. so got converse oso.. u told me converse shoes very nice.. but i tink u wan something else.. i checked ur blog, i saw u want a new sling bag.. a new wallet.. i went 2 e wallet shop.. so many designs.. so confusing.. i saw 2 gals lookin at a freakin wallet.. dey keep saying dey like it very much.. go out come in still look at tat wallet.. tot of buying tat 4 u but im nt sure.. i didnt buy it in e end.. i walked around again.. go 2 e first floor and walk along e streets.. got a lot of valentine gifts.. all filled wif flowers..

i kept thinkin of a gift 4 u but i dun noe wat.. u can say im indecisive but i really hope u would lyk e gift i gave u.. aft tat i went up again walk through seiyu again.. it was around 8plus liao quite late le.. so nt many ppl.. tat way very nice 2 shop.. som more e music very nice.. dey play very nice songs.. i actually wanted 2 stay longer.. hey, im stil tinkin of a gift 4 u okay.. u noe maybe it is e thought tat counts..

slacker

2006-02-11T18:47:00.000+08:00

Todae i spent the whole day at home doing nth but surfing the net and updating my blog.. Hey, my common test is jus nxt wk and im stil idling away.. teacher say if dun do well, i might hav 2 drop som subjects.. i dun wan 2 drop any subject.. It is so sad but i could onli blame myself 4 ending up wid such lousy grades.. I feel lyk giving up cause i jus keep failing.. am i stupid or i jus couldn't care less? i tink im stupid but i couldn't be bothered either.. i hav good frens though, dey told me nt 2 give up.. dey actually r a helpful bunch of ppl but i jus didn't realise it cause i always c e childish side of dem.. dey ask me to go je library todae to study together but i declined.. maybe i shud hav gone.. im worried bt my future, where i would be heading.. If i go on like tis, i would surely fail my 'o' level. but i have already lost faith and lost confidence in myself..

gettin started

2006-02-10T20:21:00.000+08:00

Hey this is my first time making a blog.. The reason I started this blog is because I want to show others how I really feel.. I keep alot of my feelings inside me and I don't really share my thoughts to even people close to me unless I know that person really well.. It is really hard to be this way cause Im a very troubled person.. I hope someone would listen to me and so i found you.. hoping u would understand the way i feel..

I added a lot cool final fantasy pictures to my blog cause im a great fan a ff.. Don't u jus love the graphics.. the blog skin is from evone and i mixed the blog skin she created with watermark picture of vivi from ff9.. it is a really old game and kind of extinct.. I personally liked the picture of vivi very much.. it kind of reminds me of me.. the picture is jus so sad... tat despair.. tat loneliness.. tat helplessness.. falling on the concrete floor alone.. i just love e picture man..